Teen titillation

Posted: Updated:

You’ve probably heard the buzz that “The Twilight Saga:  Eclipse” is the best movie of the three released so far and it is.  But let me be perfectly clear about this:  that’s not saying it’s a good movie.   Once again, it isn’t.

You know movies are never as good as the books they are made from.  I don’t know how good the books are because I never got past the first few pages of the first one.  I was too bored.  And felt more than a little silly reading such juvenile literature.  I can imagine that if I were 12-14 however, that I would have loved the books and consequently the movies.  The absolute best part of watching the movies is getting to observe the ‘fan’ experience.  It’s cute.  They’re cute.  But after watching “The Twilight Saga:  Eclipse” I can only come to the conclusion that the stories and particularly the dialogue are just too corny to transcend their target audience and be fully embraced by the mainstream.  The innocence is charming.  The immaturity annoying.

In this current installment of the girl torn between her love of a vampire (Robert Pattinson as Edward) and her unmistakable attraction to a werewolf (Taylor Lautner as Jacob), teen titillation runs amok.  This time the girl, Bella, strikes a bargain with her fanged suitor.  If he turns her into a vampire, she will marry him.  And apparently he will turn her just in time as the European high council of vampires, the Volturi is annoyed that the human Bella has not been turned yet.  The transformation was a condition of the couple’s unharmed release at the end of the last movie.

And now another vampire that Bella has managed to tick off is back to help the Volturi turn up the heat.  Victoria (recast with Bryce Dallas Howard), formerly of the Cullen Clan is working to create a new vampire army to take down Bella and her former clan mates.  This new army is too powerful for even the Cullen Clan and Jacob’s love of Bella and his desire to protect her leads to the beasts forming a protection alliance with the Cullen vampires.  The idea of werewolves and vampires working together is as unheard of as a joint hootenanny with the Hatfields and McCoys!

All this makes for the most exciting action in the series so far.  I really enjoyed the ultimate fight scenes.  They were well done.  Humor also makes a much needed appearance this time around.  The rivalry between Edward and Jacob makes for the best couple of one liners ever and were absolutely devoured by the laugh starved audience.  Oh sure there are other laughs but those are not intentional I fear.

This time around all the actors seem to be much more comfortable in their skin, even Kristen Stewart, who is undoubtedly the weakest link in the franchise.  Well her and the often cheesy production values.  At least she didn’t have that perpetual ‘what stinks?” look on her face the whole time.  Thank gawd!

I also liked getting to see a couple of the back stories to some of the lesser vampires.  That part was very cool.  The funny thing is that for me at least all the scenes with Bella and Edward were the most boring parts!  They seemed like a huge roadblock in the pace and action.  I liked the scenes where all three of the main leads were involved.  All that sexual tension was at least interesting.  But parents need not worry about anything coming from all that conversational foreplay.  Turns out Edward is not only old school, at 92 years old he’s ancient school!  He believes in remaining ‘pure’ till marriage.  Refreshing but still kinda creepy to think he’s telling a 17 year old girl that.

I guess what I find the most confounding about this whole franchise is that Bella is just too boring for any of this to be happening.  I don’t get why both the guys are willing to die for her.  And it is totally beyond me why 3 clans of vampires and now a pack of werewolves are all fighting and getting killed over her as well.  I can only conclude that there’s something really special about Bella, hidden really well.  Really, really well.

“The Twilight Saga:  Eclipse” captures 3 Red Vines for being a great movie for girls

LADIES ROOM LOWDOWN:   The target audience will not be disappointed.  Happy fans bounced out of the packed preview and I could hear their many comments of approval as I ran screaming from the theatre.  Just kidding.

A preview of this movie was provided to me by the studio but it in no way effects my unbiased review.